BIG SHOT OWES BIG BUCKS

Is it really a new record if it isn’t paid for? Actually it would be 2 new records. A 22-year old bought 2 mansions in Hamburg for 6.3 million combined. Michael Wilson, a hotshot hedge fund manager from Cleveland rolled into town looking for some hot real estate, and dropped his loot on two new homes on Boston State Road (and set a new record for WNY real estate: 3.3 million for one and 3 million for the other home). Yup, Mr. Money Bags had huge plans for his new homes; a gym and racquetball court for one, and a theater, wet bar and even a waterslide to go along with his massive indoor pool for the other. Too bad he didn’t have money to pay for any of it.

When someone throws top dollar at you (literally), usually you don’t ask questions…just take the cash. But the banks should have! Wilson did pay a small chunk when closing on the house, but Business First says they found court documents saying he signed the loan but hasn’t made payments since. On top of that, he didn’t pay for all of his big renovations either…figures. He owes over $94,000 still, 4 months after they were completed. Of course, the two houses are in foreclosure, and will be auctioned off on September 1…to only a serious buyer this time.

While there are no real estate agents passing through the properties, some FBI agents have. They raided the homes looking for…well…that is still a mystery right now. Moral of the story, if it’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t true.

OH GOODY, A SCHOONER!

"It's Buffalo's missing icon, like a long lost brother come home." That was the crazy methodology a local research team came up with when a sunken wooden ship was found at the bottom of Lake Erie (near Dunkirk).

Since the discovery, this research team has been working up big plans for the long-lost schooner (that's a funny word). They want the ship to be displayed in a giant water tank at the waterfront. I say keep it in the water in the waterfront...it's much cheaper.

The team compared the ship's importance to the Liberty Bell and the Alamo (clearly they have fallen off their rocker). They have high expectations, as they put it, for this becoming a national tourist attraction. Really? Aren't there hundreds of these old shipwrecks scattered throughout the Great Lakes? Now if it doubles as a political dunk tank...then we're talkin' something cool.

If the ship is so important to Buffalo's history, a) why weren't we looking for it a long time ago? and b) why is our local icon the Buffalo and not a schooner? Yes, I think spending too much time on the water can mess with your brain functions a bit.

MAYOR DIGS CHICKS

Mayor Brown has his head cocked over a bill to allow Buffalo residents to raise chickens in their homes. I bet you're wondering how this topic even came about. Some woman made a big deal about how she wasn't allowed to raise her precious chickens in her home, so she brought the issue to the Common Council. Yup, they approved it. Probably to get her to leave them alone.

Before the city turns into a barnyard, the Mayor has decided to lay some ground rules if the bill is passed.

First, NO EXCUSES: NO ROOSTERS WHATSOEVER. Sure, they make great alarm clocks but they are vicious birds!

Second, YOU MUST ASK YOUR NEIGHBORS FOR PERMISSION. They didn't plan to live next to a farm when they bought their house, so ease them into the idea...maybe have them chick-sit for a night. If they buy the idea, you can have 5 hens.

And third, no matter how bad the economy gets, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SELL THE EGGS (or if you're desperate for cash the meat). In other words, don't start a butcher shop in your back shed or an egg stand in your driveway.

That's not all. If you decide to dorm with your chickities, it's going to cost you 25 bucks. I still think it's easier to make a trip to KFC.

TIGER GIVES AUDIENCE A WHIFF

He who smelled it, dealt it. The most searched-for clip on Google today is champion golfer Tiger Woods breaking wind (not with his club) at the Buick Open. It would have been first on Youtube also but the PGA did not find it so funny, and threatened lawsuits if it wasn't removed. It's ok though; you can still find the best version on TMZ.com. It's really, really funny.

The nearby cameras picked up the butt thunder (it was super loud) and before you could say "what's that smell" it was all over the internet. The video shows Woods stop on the green, do the old dog leg shake trick, and then you hear the thunder roll. The muffle trick didn't work so well.

The best part of the whole thing was after he released his backdoor breeze, Tiger and his caddy started laughing about it. I guess no matter how famous or grown up someone is, a fart will always be something to giggle about. This is a desperate call for smellevision.

CAR WASH THIEF MAKES CLEAN "BRAKE"

Would you like the super plus car wash today or just the cash from my drawer?

This past weekend a man cleaned out the Delaware Ave Delta Sonic Car Wash. The 3 workers on that shift didn't stand a chance considering he had a shiny handgun and they had a hose. The robber did a full detail on the register as well as collected all the cash in the store safe. How much? A grand total of $8,450. It must have been a nice day for a car wash. For his own sake, hopefully he remembered to polish off his fingerprints or he may be spending his future days in a much dirtier place.

And speaking of stealing...would you like paper or plastic? A Sam's Club employee bagged $3,500 from the registers over a 6-month employment period. It is assumed she took about $25 a shift from the till since Jan 1 and was caught. Now she can add Grand Larceny to her resume.

TEE'D OFF...REALLY TEE'D OFF

Pulling a "Happy Gilmore" on a golf course WILL get you arrested. Case in point: A Grand Island man was arrested at a Newstead golf course Monday afternoon. Drunk and disorderly go together nicely.

The Tiger Woods wannabe was pissed off that beginner level players were learning how to play golf on a beginner level course and going "too slow" for his liking. That's when he went all Alec Baldwin on them. Just a thought...if he's so darn good, maybe he should golf with the big boys at the big links.

I'm not sure what exactly constitutes disorderly conduct on a golf course (I'm sure golf club throwing or something like that). Police say the man was intoxicated and getting loud with the other golfers. The angry golfer was issued a ticket and must appear in court. Something tells us if he was playing hooky from work, his boss will hear about this one.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN STUPID

By Christie Weber
News Reporter, Skunkpost

Naturally, when we see police lights, it’s our cue to pull over. That’s what many did Wednesday night at Canal Fest, when a 16-year-old cop wannabe with only a learner’s permit, drove around in his blue cop car look-alike, flashing over 30 emergency lights. Playtime was over when a real cop pulled him over.

Tonawanda Police were dumbfounded that people were actually pulling over for the kid. Of course they were. Did they forget what happens when you don’t pull over for a cop? It’s called jail.

The Lt. bragged about the teen’s ride. “You should see this thing when it’s lit up…it’s amazing. He’s got more lights than any police car in Western New York”. Wow.

The 16-year-old had a real (not fake like the car) firefighter helmet in the back seat of his car, but when the police checked in with the Town of Tonawanda Fire Department he said he belonged to, they denied he was a member. Something tells us he won’t be getting any letters of recommendation anytime soon.